It’s been a year.

A year ago when I was writing Ken’s obituary I was so sure of the words. They flowed forth despite my sleep-deprivation and agonizing grief. In the end, it was exactly what it was supposed to be.

Today though, I am struggling to find the right words to explain what this year has been like. This is a world that has had a Ken-shaped hole in it. Yet, we have carried on as he insisted and as life demanded. We have and continue to integrate his loss into our very beings but exemplify his adventurous spirit and appreciation of wonder.

I definitely see the world in a more heightened way. Colors are sharper, sounds more nuanced and moments more intense. There is no more veneer of limitless time to do everything we want–I know how fragile & ephemeral it all is. But really, after the challenging times of late, I think we all may understand that pretty well now. So living with authenticity and the embrace of what makes life magical seems the best way to honor him, in addition to raising our children with love, grace and patience. As for the children, in them I see the creative sparks of their dad and the glimpses of talents that are uniquely their own. They luckily have many caring people in their lives too who are keeping an eye on them and with me are there to help, listen and support.

Today we did two things that each of the kids suggested. We walked to a nearby greenspace with our neighbors, the Haldimanns, who were/are integral to dealing with this whole journey we’ve been on. We brought donuts and flowers to have some moments to reflect in nature and enjoy one of Ken’s most favorite treats: Bavarian cream donuts. The kids even made a nature-inspired tribute of his name (see photo). It was a lovely, unstructured moment.

Then once back home, the three of us took the small remainder of Ken’s ashes that we held back from last summer’s Oregon Coast tribute and spread them around the fig tree in the backyard. Ken spent many hours fixated on the eternal problem of keeping creatures from eating his figs so perhaps now his constant presence and vigilance will finally bear out.

And later today Calvin has his dance recital that he’s been working towards all year. So this day reminds us that while we take time to observe, remember and sit in our feelings, life continues and there is always time for dancing.

When I think about Ken, his limitless creativity and his expressions of empathy still shine brightest. He was very open & curious–a doer of extraordinary things. Especially when I think about traveling with him, examples of his desire to understand people unlike himself kept popping up. It was so inspirational to be around someone like that.

Contrast that with how he rarely gave much thought to the mundane domestic details like when the roof needed to be de-mossed or volunteering to make dinner or keeping track of how many lightbulbs we had in the storage closet. No, his preoccupations ascended to the ‘higher callings’ of protecting his fig tree, speed solving a 5×5 rubik’s cube or teaching the children Pi to the 100th digit. In retrospect, it’s endearing, but at the time…perhaps a little less so.

In this past year we’ve had sadness but also joy, grieving but also gratitude. I’m humbled at how we’ve arrived here, and while we’re intact, we’re forever changed. As we remember Ken, we send love and gratitude out to everyone who has been on this journey with us as well. ❤️