Following up my July 2022 piece in Parentmap about ‘coping strategies after loss,’ I wanted to delve into the concept of self-care and what that can look like in widowhood. Last week my piece went live (link below). It is personally such an important part of my own healing and moving forward in a healthy way.
Yet while I framed the article around widowhood, everyone who cared about Ken continues life with a Ken-shaped hole in it and I wanted to acknowledge that. American culture doesn’t really do a great job of modeling or making space for loss. I hear over and over again in my widow circles how well-meaning, but ill-equipped general society tends to be around grief/loss. Everyone’s journey is different, of course, but I also think about the friends, extended family & co-workers who were touched by Ken’s presence too. So I think self-care is important for everybody to allow regrouping and replenishment. It additionally provides a reflection about what’s important and how to integrate that into our very being.
Kail – you continue to inspire me and those around you with your insights and words. I am in awe of your ability to go through this with transparency for all to see. I can’t help but think that someone needed to read your words to encourage them to keep on keepin’ on with their own grief-processing journey. As a long-time friend (and observer these past years), it hasn’t always been easy to find the words or the actions to show how much I love you, loved Ken, and Sid and Calvin. But it doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t grieved, and still grieves, for what was. How can I put into words how it feels to watch the the beginning, the middle, and the end of a story of someone I love? We are growing old together in this life and no matter what, I got you. I always will, even when life changes shape. You’re right, our society doesn’t do grief well at all. But with that said, I am excited to see how you are moving forward, never forgetting, but evolving, on this lifelong journey. Love you to bits.
Writing is most often the best therapy after a loss, and you’re good at writing, so keep doing that. After my aunt lost her husband she wrote a book about him, then went on radio talk shows and a book tour; she said it gave her a purpose and kept her alive. After a buddy of mine lost his son (found dead in a foreign country) he submitted articles about the impact his son had on other’s lives, and about how pursuing a worthwhile cause can be considered a form of redemption. The pursuit of a gainful distraction is important so that one doesn’t get addicted to one’s grief. Even though I’m not on the same plane of understanding as you are regarding self-care, I hope it helps you to know that I read what you write and am glad you’re putting the words out there. Aside from that, I continue to rewatch Ken’s YouTube videos and read some of the emails he sent me some time ago, which is the best I can do to enjoy “spending time” with him. Keep doing what you’re doing . . . all the best to you and the kids.